I imagine mine to be a combination of Carrie and Big during the cheating phase, meets Brad and Ang doing it in Mr and Mrs Smith.
But I’m kidding myself right? Because as hot as the making out, ripping your clothes off, sexy initial stages are, there is always a cool quick awakening moment waiting for you. The moment you have to reach for that little wrapper.
Condoms. The biggest mood killer since Redfoo.
The hot bedroom moment can deflate almost instantly when you ask the question “Do you have something?” Two grown adults referring to the C word as “something” instead of the big scary word it is, which is “condom”.
“Do you have something?” never means a Mentos, a red wine, or an eye lasher curler. We both know what it means; yet only one of us tends to raise the awkward question, while he generally avoids the question like the plague.
Newsflash, guys! We hate asking the question as much as you hate hearing it. But how is it just a chick’s responsibility?
In one experience, when I have asked this question, I was met with a sigh as he continued to make out with me as a response. This only opened a lengthy inner monologue of my own, as I felt MORTIFIED at having to raise the conversation at all.
At this point I was distracted from the kissing — I was lost in my own mind. Am I coming across like a whinge? Do I ask a second time? Maybe he has a huge ….
Then enters the angst we put ourselves through; of whether we should admit we even have them at all. Hence, why I had asked HIM whether he had “something” even though he is staying at my place.
“If he sees I have a packet — will he think I am easy?”
Followed by, “…but if I only offer the one and we need a second will that kill this buzz?”
And couple cuties — I haven’t forgotten about you. It isn’t just the singles who are experiencing condom awkwardness. I have friends in relationships whose boyfriends have down right refused to wear them at all. Somehow, “do you wanna be my girlfriend?” has translated to, “I do not need to wear a hoodie no more.” (I wrote this line with the tune to Sonia Daddo’s 90s classic — You don’t treat me no good no more. Try it.)
But, seriously, with the risk of sounding all ‘Year 10 PE teacher’, there are other issues playing out here that are often forgotten. It starts with an S and it doesn’t end in wift.
According to the Kirby Institute at the University of New South Wales sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and bloodborne viruses are at near-decade highs. The institute’s Associate Professor David Wilson believed declining condom use is most likely to blame for the spike in cases.
“We are seeing slow trends away from condom use, the decline in condom use is somewhat responsible for the rise in STIs in Australia,” he said
There is no one person in a relationship that needs to look after this area more than the other. Men and women, need to take responsibility for safe sex as consenting adults and as equals. But fellas, I must be honest, I feel like we carry a bit more of the brunt.
I get it. Condoms are awkward. If you don’t know the person very well whether it is a one-night stand, or the first time you are sleeping with someone special, it is generally a conversation you have bypassed until this particular moment.
So while I don’t suggest you tell a girl you have a condom in your pocket when she’s simply asking you for directions, I do think we should all address the fact that condoms are a way of life so get jiggy with it safely. Boys. And. Girls.