Breakups suck. Just ask anyone. Sometimes you can physically feel your heart breaking and you’re not even sure if you can manage to get out of bed / put a bra on BUT breakups can also be a time in your life where you learn more about yourself than you EVER have before.
Over the past four months, I’ve taken in a whole lot of advice on how to navigate my heartbreak – I was lapping up anything and everything that might make me feel better: books, podcasts, friends and family’s takes. But for anyone else experiencing or about to experience something similar, it’d be rude not to share the BEST bits of advice that taking on board really changed my life, so here goes…
1.) Start a list in the ‘notes’ section of your phone about all the shit stuff in your relationship – one of my besties told me to do this & at first I thought – ‘I don’t need a list babes, I know why it didn’t work out.’ BUT there were sooooo many times when I felt really miserable and alone and would reminisce on all the amazing things we’d shared together / the good times and I’d instantly forget about all the reasons it didn’t work out. Your mind plays tricks on you skews your view of things. It’s a human coping mechanism whereby the brain recalls good times are more vividly than painful ones. That’s why so many mothers can’t distinctly remember the pain they felt through childbirth, because if they did they’d never fall pregnant again and the human race would end! (Crazy right!) I wrote down feelings / things he’d said / fights we had / our different values / the way I’d felt when things were bad – basically all of the reasons why it didn’t work – and I would and still do look back on that list if I have a down day to remind me of the shittyness to combat my warm and fluffy reminiscing.
2.) Send them a courtesy text to give them the heads up you’re deleting them from social media – it might seem menial but I swear to God, this actually changed the game for me. Constantly seeing what your ex is doing / saying / wearing / hanging out with is torture. With social media, there’s no such thing as out of sight out of mind. Back in the day you could just end a relationship and possibly never see them again. These days there’s constant reminders of them and what you had together in your face which I found really fucked with my head. I’d read into captions and comments and obsess over things, feel sad and jealous and then annoyed that I felt sad and jealous – so when a friend advised me to delete him and his family and friends from socials, I did it. And it felt liberating. I made sure I sent a courtesy text beforehand so he knew it wasn’t nasty or passive aggressive, that it was merely because it was too hard not to. He understood and did the same. Deleting someone from your social feeds is nuts – it’s like they’ve actually cease to exist, it made me realise how much we soak up from online without even realising it.
3.) Write how you’re feeling down in a journal – look I know not everyone is into journalling and everyone has different ways to process things, but I have found writing shit down to be THE most therapeutic throughout not just the breakup itself but the 12 months of lead up to that point. There was so much floating around in my head, writing it out gave me clarity, it made sense of things and most importantly – gave me a chance to step back and reflect. Journalling allows your space for reflection & at first it can be confronting because some of the shit that spews out of you and onto the pages you didn’t even realise yourself. So many people ask me “but how do I start?” The answer is babes, there is no answer. Just pick up a pen and allow whatever you’re feeling in that particular moment to fall onto the page in front of you. Often, I’d start writing about something completely different like “today was a full on day at work I feel exhausted, oh and also I’m terrified of the future and being alone because I’m not enough.” I’ll never forget the day that I wrote out my core values next to my partners values and balling my eyes out and how different they were. It was only seeing in blatantly in front of me that I knew things could never work out because at the centre of our being we were totally different people wanting totally different things. Had I never written it down and seen it with my own eyes, I could have continued pretending.
4.) Write out a list of things that bring you joy – my therapist told me to do this. I wrote out in texta and stuck to my mirror so I’d see it every day as a reminder to do things that nourished me and made me feel like I was in control of how I was feeling. It can be as simple as ‘watching my fave show on Netflix’ or ‘taking myself out for a coffee’ but I made sure I did at least ONE thing every single day (and still do) because life gets busy and you can jump into bed that night and realise that you haven’t made a single minute for yourself.
5.) Download the ‘Breakup Boss’ App – a girlfriend told me to get it and at first I was like ‘yeah, sounds cute but nah. Plus it’s $10. I don’t even have the paid version of Spotify. Seeya’ Then one day I thought, okay what have I got to loose Imma download. I am a convert and tell everyone going through something similar to get it too. I had so many amazing people texting me little reminders of encouragement early days / checking in / tagging me in inspo quotes on Insta – but as time went on I still needed the encouragement and the texts had stopped. Which is why receiving a daily reminder you’re on the right track from the app is so amazing and TBH could turn my whole fucking day around. You’re in a state of second guessing just about everything through a breakup (especially yourself) so the more you can do to safeguard your self worth the better.
You can hear more on Kristie’s breakup as well as Stace falling in love, what really went down with the radio show & a big announcement for what’s coming in 2018! Listen, download, and subscribe to the TG The Podcast feed so you don’t miss anything in 2018!